Mother's Day is not an easy holiday for everyone to celebrate or even get through. For some it's the nagging reminder of what has been lost and sorely missed while for others it's another reminder of what might have been.
I happen to fall into the later category. I can certainly congratulate and appreciate my own Mom and the Mothers around me like my sister and my friends but there is always a little something missing. The missing part for me is the child I never had. It was not a conscious choice but rather the roll of the proverbial die. After nearly two decades of trying and not succeeding to the end, the 228 months of not-this-time has a way of wearing away at your resolve.
I know what you might be thinking, what about adoption? We did the parenting classes and met with coordinators and agencies only to be crushed by the disappointment that one person actually said 'to buy a female caucasian infant you'll pay top dollar'. That left enough of a bad taste in my mouth to drop the entire pursuit.
In the interest of full disclosure, we did get offers of older children, special needs and emotional trauma cases. Sometimes knowing what you are not capable of handling and recognizing when not to jump into a lifelong commitment is the right thing to do.
Months bled into year (yes the irony is not lost on me) and years into almost two decades later. Friend, coworkers and classmates shared milestones with their growing families and all along I smiled on the outside while a new piece of my optimistic flesh died away.
It's not envy or jealousy but a primal belief that I had always wanted to be a mother. Even when my much younger sister announced their first pregnancy I was thrilled, ecstatic and a little sad. It felt like being left behind while she went off on a great adventure, mind you now I know it's more like sleepless nights till a business trip comes up or never being able to eat your food hot but it was still something I felt I craved.
In an odd way, I've always felt like a 'mother' to some friends and most recently even my own mother admitted that there are times when our roles are reversed. Having surpassed any natural or lab assisted options, my eggs are the powdered kind at this point and long pass their expiration, there is still the tiniest glimmer of 'what if''.
But don't feel bad for me, I am a strong, well adjusted woman with a full life of family, friends, work, pets, hobbies and everlasting desire to learn something new. Facts are just that, things we can't change and make them a part of us like a scar from a climbing injury as a child.
So surrounded by my dogs, cat and chickens along with a supportive husband I stand tall (nearly six feet, lol) and march on towards the next adventure in life even if it's sans kids.
My love and support to anyone who might feel even remotely like this, chin up and be the fabulous you!
I often say that not having children is my biggest regret. I had hoped to have a family that would be close that I could support and they help support me if needed, but that was not to be either.Lost both parents and my oldest brother in my 20's. Then lost my other brother and my sister moved away after making it clear she did not want to care for anyone anymore. She has two boys and grandchildren. She has a husband and beautiful home. She lives across the country and we are not close. I received some tentatively bad health news a couple days ago so I know I will be busy with everything that goes with that. You are right, we have to keep the chin up, and move forward wherever that takes us. I know things could be worse..and very well might, but I know that this life has some bright spots even if once in awhile. There is a reason I am not a mom...one day I may find out why. Love to all. :) Remembering my mom...long gone but never forgotten.ReplyDelete